The Emancipation of Mendisa

(Through God and the men He appointed to Me)

For as long as I can remember, I have struggled with knowing who I am. It's taken me nearly 30 years to learn myself, and still, I feel like I've only just scratched the surface. As a believer and a soon-to-be bride, this no longer phases me. But it took a lot of unlearning and humility to feel the way I do now. I've evolved from a naive and insecure people-pleaser to a bold and merciful no-shit-taker. I like this new version of myself; I needed her. Although in a divine sense, I've always known who she is and looked forward with hope to the days I would walk comfortably in her size 10 shoes.

Carless

My path to self-discovery was foggy and littered with doubt. I have always been intimidated by people who know who they are, what they want and how they will get it. If life were a test, I would have lost marks from incorrectly identifying myself by my full name. If you were to ask a handful of people I've met in my life what my last name was, I'm sure you won't get the same answer twice. I'm not outing myself as a fraudulent, alright? This is a legitimate personal struggle I have deemed an identity crisis since my biological father came into my life nine years ago.

As a child and throughout my teenage years, I have used my mother's maiden name. When my mom married my stepfather, they tried to arrange for me to be adopted so I could legally be recognized as his daughter. However, my biological father did not show up to the court date, and I was not at the appropriate age to consent to my adoption. My mom and stepdad couldn't complete the legal documents required to change my last name. I didn't know all this legal talk had occurred. Years later, my mother overheard me telling someone my middle name was Morgan. She later had to sit me down and correct me by letting me know that Morgan is my biological father's last name - not my middle name, as I had thought. She also took that opportunity to inform me that I wouldn't be able to take my stepdad's name. I understood, but I was also upset. I felt divided and subnormal. Although it was a simple mistake, that moment was a highlight reel of my reality, and for a long time, I couldn't shake those feelings. Our family of three quickly became five, and I felt a little more unrelated with each new addition.

Levien

I was never fond of my mother's maiden name, Carless - it felt too prophetic. So at 14, I took matters into my own hands, entered social media, and joined Facebook. Boom. A new character, Mendisa Levien, was unlocked. It's as if I appropriated the name, and, over the years, I began feeling more like a member of the Levien family. I learned how to be a big sister and helped my dad organize and host our annual Father and Daughter Day Picnics. We attended church together and had dinner at the table every night. We hosted plenty of parties and went on family trips - you know, living my blessed life, adolescent edition. Legally, I didn't have the name, but I wore it proudly in spirit. Typically, believers in the Christian faith use the church platform to proudly declare their belief in and love for Jesus to the public. Similarly, I used Facebook to display my love and acceptance of the man who stepped in as my earthly father.

Morgan

I always admired my dad for the life he chose to live when he committed to marrying my mom, knowing she came as a packaged deal. My dad is a good father. The perfect mix of "make sure to clean your room before you leave" and "how was the party." Corrective and concerned. I learned the fundamentals of growth with him.

At times, I feel guilty about double dad dipping. How can I love someone I barely know a

nd who, at one point, didn't care to know me? How is it fair to the one that chose me? Well, that's neither here nor there. I let love do what it does and then move with it. I'm aware that only a few people can do the same. I found this to be true in my Morgan genes.

There is an undeniable bond that I share with my natural father. We took our time learning each other's stories and unlearning the stories we used to imagine about the other's exist

ence. We approached our relationship cautiously, not wanting to risk a misstep on the building blocks of our new friendship. We didn't have to play catch-up. We just had to work with what we had—the truth of our past and the present. Life is a gamble, and God gave us a second chance like the great card dealer He is. No doubt, I'm going all in.

Bowen

Deep work and a newfound appreciation for self-love have healed me of my identity crisis. Suddenly, it was as though I had unlocked a new character. Mendisa Morgan is the name I started going by as an adult. The guilt of using my natural dad's last name would creep up now and then. But I was comforted knowing this was my truth, written on my birth certificate, so I decided to own it. Soon after, I was released from my own pressures of validating my identity through the name of both fathers.

My wedding day is fastly approaching. And soon, the only validation I'll be receiving will be

from my soon-to-be-and-always-will-be-husband before God and all the people who make up the pieces of the girl I knew I could be. Me.

I'm marrying a man who shares the same family values instilled in me since joining families with my dad as a child. A man who has a rough edge that he masks perfectly with a calm demeanour that matches mine

. Since getting to know my natural dad, I've also witnessed this trait in him. Apparently, women marry their fathers, and I was today years old when I realized - they ain't lyin'!

In any case, I have learned the desire for a father's love must be fed, and we will all receive an appropriate portion, no matter the circumstance. We need to be humble and bold enough to receive it.

Remember, Lord, your great mercy and love,

for they are from of old.

Do not remember the sins of my youth

and my rebellious ways;

according to your love, remember me,

for you, Lord, are good.

Psalm 25:6-7

God created me in His image. And because God is good, I chose to be good as well. I challenged faith over worry in my quest for a happy ending. Now that I've broken free of the opinions and influences of others, I feel equipped and eager to begin my next life mission as Mendisa Bowen.

love x blessings,